I have always been told that we are given the crisis of which we can bear, so that we could carry on when everything feels so unfair; because even though it is stifling and it feels like I can’t breathe, I know in these shoes there’s dozens who wish they could be. I have tried to remember that none of us are the same; but we are all trying to coexist on this physical plain – that we are all struggling and none of our ends completely meet – and we are all fighting ourselves on who we are vs how we seem.
Every single one of us is struggling in some sort of way, because all life is to suffer is what most religions say. I mitigate my pain right against my loss, and steal moments of joy before my perils are crossed. I hold on to some hope that the next day will be better, or somehow that which has dulled will grow more clever. I seek a silver lining to help ease me through, and I reflect back admiring how I have grew. It does not lessen the angst or clear the hurt away, but it narrows my focus and gives it some space.
I am not always sure why it happens, but sometimes I just cry. There’s no stimulus I can cling to, or defendant to try – but the emotion is so real my heart cannot be denied. There are times I feel off and nothing makes any sense; I feel alone, cold, and I would ride high on my self-defense. There is no person or thing trying to hold me down, but it feels like everyone is laughing and I am the clown. I know it’s not illogical or even close to rare – that a person should feel like no one really cares.
I stifle no emotion, whether it is real or make believe – because every single one feels very real to me. When I allow them to linger on with no release, my turmoil only grows and defeats my inner peace. In the moment I express myself so many of them fade, even when it feels like I am actually going crazy. It’s because my mind needs to acknowledge the pace of my heart beat, and my reason knows not to linger on self-defeat. I give all emotion a proper space to exist, so that it could properly break me down or conversely uplift. It’s the journey through life with the confusing split, of living in love and fear and trying to understand it.