It hasn’t been long, and there are a lot of things left to explain. You feared losing your freedom, but I sought no such claim. I wanted to support you and keep you feeling clear, I wanted to be a sign of hope to eradicate your fear. Yet the sad truth is what I wanted never truly mattered, because you came to the table with your feelings bruised and battered. It hurts that you cannot separate what is real from white noise, because I am a gentleman in a sea of foolish boys. I believe you when you say that you never wanted to cause me any hurt, but that does not absolve the carelessness of your final words. I never anticipated the selfish things that were to come my way, nor was I sure in return what I would say….
I think you need to know that I have been in some pain, not that am dying just feeling lost along the way. I think you should own to the truth of your own deceit, so you could conquer the other demons that you wish to defeat. I am not trying to attack you or come off unfair; I just want to speak my truth so to clear the air. For a while I could not help but criticize myself, maybe I’m extra or maybe I should’ve been someone else. How could I not think these things in the face of blatant rejection – how could I not sit alone and dwell on each of my imperfections? I found myself spiraling thinking maybe I wanted you too much, and perhaps I scared you away by expressing my capability to love. I faulted our fights on all the silly things that I had done, beating myself down when I was simply trying to have fun. I would cry myself to sleep as I absorbed all the blame, feeling my normal state of mind growing more insane. I would try and seek solace in the thought of you missing me, but solace cannot be found when loving without reciprocity.
I really wanted to hate you – or at the very least get mad, but my heart is too red and I loved what we had. I felt something profound for you that I’d thought I lost, because my past had also come with a hefty cost. You were not the only one to feel cheated and abused; you weren’t the only one with high stakes fearing what you’d lose. But I have learned that we’ll all feel what we must feel, in order to break through the hurt and to finally heal. I am seeing my skin shed and my heart transform, into something greater since you’ve been gone.
In the past when my heart was hurt I would self-destruct, find another pill to pop or another dude to fuck. I would stay out late and run away from my own feelings, because my moments of repose were all too revealing. I would spend my cash on pretty clothes to help fill the space, I would smoke the weed and eat the junk and have my mind erase. I would hop from here to there without ever finding a place; I would book a flight and spend night to assist my fall from grace…
Yet this time I find myself doing something a little bit different, I took and breath and found some love that held no contingents. I sat with friends and held their hands as I cried and cried, then I would laugh uncontrollably once the sorrow would subside. I found a moment of beauty and gratitude at least once a day; I closed my eyes and meditated the loneliness away. I asked for forgiveness on being so hard on myself, I granted myself permission to actually ask for help. I took a breath and stopped worrying so much on how I would appear, I opened my mind then my heart and listened to all there was to hear. I cleaned my house and worked out extra hard, and took the time to address my wounds and subsequent scars. I gave up on trying to wonder about what you thought or felt, because I am growing into an even better version of myself.
Thank you for your candor and thank you for your attempt, it’s time we both move on with no more sin to repent. When you finally accept who are you and love that man for who he is, I will see you there on the joyous side of bliss.