I don’t like being afraid. I don’t like teetering between negative emotions. I dont like the residual sadness that comes with the fear, and I hate most my guilt for feeling these unsavory emotions.
I have chosen to live my life in hope. I try each day to be optimistic and lend the benefit of the doubt to people and situations. Sometimes this leaves me feeling compromised, but it really is not a big deal – I don’t live my life in hope ever expecting people to return the energy. But the last few days the hope has been overshadowed by the fear, and the compromising situations I could let roll off my back have become haunting thoughts that refuse to go away.
I found out earlier this week that I have precancerous cells and growths that need attention and to be removed. This is where the fear has been created. Once upon a time something that was this common place would concern me, but not shake me. Now the story is different. I feel shook, I feel frightened, and I am starting to feel all the awful feelings I felt last summer when ACTUAL cancer was the issue. Just that word, cancer, is enough to rattle me and make me forget all the progress I have made.
Then sadness starts to settle. As the fear suffocates, it is hard to not over think everything. It is hard to not compare and wonder about the state of my being. I wonder if I perhaps have somehow done this all to myself, and this is the retribution for life poorly lived. And as much as I do not believe this, the thoughts happen. The sadness lingers and expands, soon I am face to face with the cold reality that it hasn’t even been a year and cancer is back to the forefront of my mind.
With seemingly unjustifiable thoughts running a muck in my brain the cognitive and rational part of me becomes burdened by the guilt. Guilty for feeling so scared and sad. What is the point, I ask myself – and dig deep only to return with no answer. This is common, this is routine, almost the status quo – but this normalcy lends no comfort. I know that ultimately it is just another step on this path, but then why be so scared?
Despite my confusion I try to remind myself that our brains and our hearts often do not synch up, and reason cannot always quell emotion. I have come from a much darker place, and been far more scared, so this is ultimately a small eclipse in time. I have unparalleled support, and I continue to embrace consciousness – which helps me remember that this vessel of a body is not the soul that I am. These reminders help, a lot actually.
I know I will be okay, but that doesn’t take away the whirlwind around me. I know I will be okay, but I am still scared. I know I will be okay, but….