Over the past few weeks romance has been on the forefront of my mind. Not necessarily my personal adventure, but I have noticed that almost every one of my close friends has encountered a romantic obstacle. Some of these have been good, most of them have not been, and this really has made me wonder about love and romance. 

Of course I am going to reference burning man, and of course I am going to talk about how the tilt in my perception has absolutely changed my understanding of romance and love – but as annoying as it is, I think there is something valid to share. Ultimately at the end of the day romance is a huge part of our lives and the human experience – so when everyone that surrounds me is experiencing differing levels of stressors and exhalations in this regard it is hard to not reflect on it.

I am going to talk about my friends, candidly, but shrouded in some mystery. I am going to talk about myself here, candidly, but hopefully with the ability to respect the people who are the rest of the equation.

Over the last few weeks I have seen one of my closest friends terminate a relationship that was ultimately unhealthy for her, and for him. In the course of their relationship I saw my friend stifle her magic to make something work that was crumbling to dust in the palm of her hands. They loved each other, they loved who the other person was for them and they love what that represented – but they were never the right shape. Her obvious sadness was difficult for our friend circle, because we want her unobstructed happiness, yet we all could see that you have to make it through the shitty part to get to the good part.

Over the last few weeks I saw myself realizing that I had to nail a final nail in a relationship that I wouldn’t have survived cancer without. Me and my ex shared in the pain of that experience, which was just another page in the history of our painful moments together. Our past made us feel committed to each other, and the love we shared was authentic, but I was able to see that we were no longer working. Our hearts lived in different places and our minds functioned with different understandings. It hurts to talk about this, because all I wanted was to avoid causing him any pain – but in the end, in the story of romance we inevitably hurt each other. Not intentionally, but because of the reality of self interest.

A few weeks ago I was hanging out with another one of my very good friends who had been hung up on someone who could not return her affections. Continents stood between them, and her ability to maintain faith despite the distance was admirable, but completely one sided. She never chose to feel this way about him, nor did she anticipate the feeling lingering – but when that connection occurs and those sparks fly, its hard to forget that they existed because they are so rarely instantaneous. As we spent sometime together, the cold reality washed over her that she needed to terminate the line of communication between them. She had become his moment of affection when he was lonely, tossing her scraps of love when he needed her, but remained unable to open up. So we sat on my couch and together we blocked his existences (oh social media and dating in 2016) and despite the momentary blip of sadness, the relief that washed over her was palpable.

Currently I have two friends, who actually do not know each other, who are with people who are completely unavailable to them. Both of these partners remain guarded in high towers, one in secrets and the other in lies, and my friends allow the romance to continue and to unfold. When the heart feels that intensely, and the chemistry is that spot on, what is a person supposed to do? The traditional constructs of monogamy and love fall short, especially when we find ourselves in loveless commitments that made sense when we were 22, but as 30 approaches and passes, we have simply outgrown them. So now what?

Over the last few months I saw one of my best friend develop a crush on someone. Through out the course of our friendship I have never seen my friend behave this way. Silly smiles when discussing the prospective boyfriend, planning trips to accommodate his schedule, etc, etc. Sadly after several months of this interaction it became pretty obvious that prospective partner simply did not get it. The thing about getting it is you either do, or you don’t – and no one can teach you. It’s not about finesse or commitment, it’s about the person you are and, more importantly, the person you want to be. As difficult as it was, I encouraged him to take a moment and see the greater picture, and beg the greater question, what do you want to be in this persons life, and can he give it to you?

A few weeks ago I experienced my first gay wedding. One of my closest friends married his partner down in city hall. There were a myriad of reasons behind their union, and naturally as far as queens go, some doubt – but the way I saw it was wholly different. I could see their joy, which fills a room with no effort. Their ease around each other and their ability to seamlessly flow from one moment to the next. A brand new kind of love.

Last night at 10pm I got a text message from the one guy I don’t think I will ever properly be able to say no to. The connection is spiritual, intellectual and physical – so it always leaves me wondering ‘what if?’

I write about all this because I think it is important to look at each situation and realize there is really one underlying theme – what do I deserve? What do we deserve as we seek out romantic love. We want that undeniable connection, but at what cost? Compromise is beautiful, but denying ones needs is down right unhealthy – it will all eventually cause a relationship fall apart. I am not preaching about what to do to be in love, I am reflecting on what kind of love I deserve. What kind of love my friends deserve.

So what is the love I want, for myself and my friends? Do we want to be unhappy for an extended amount of time, where it is always just missing the mark? Should energy be poured into someone who can not give that energy back; or worse, do I want to be someone who allows someone else to love them, even though I am unable to return the feeling? Do I want to be with someone where our love can never be fully expressed or experienced? Do I want to be someone’s call at 10pm on a Tuesday?

When it comes to love I want to be myself, and I want someone to love me for that fucked up person. I want someone to be themselves, and unafraid, so that way I can love them in return. No space for fear, or pretending.

Namaste