I didn’t realize that in the aftermath of the destruction, I would have to find it in myself to rebuild. I look around as I sit in the ruins trying to figure out what my next step is. I have no spouse and children to return to, no fabulous career to rock, no given trajectory that requires my full unbiased attention – instead I stand among the stones that supported my former life with no understanding of how to put them back into place. Maybe it is the free spirit aspect of my personalty or maybe its the commitment-phobe that lives inside, but either way the path ahead is marred by fog and invisibility. Continue reading “Life After Cancer”
I have been thinking about you a lot and there is something I need to say; I hate you a little bit for all the mistakes you’ve made, opportunities lost and bad habits maintained. I don’t intend on being so harsh, but that seems to be the way this redundant pattern falls into place.
I have been reflecting on the body image you beheld: an assortment of ‘never good enoughs’ to reflect image of self. Yet, somehow you’d vainly sit and expected the best – but inside the vanity did little to absolve the souls unrest. You struggled so hard to look past the immediacy of instant gratification; only to fall glum from suppression and cope with use of sedation. All the while what you always failed to acknowledge, was the breath of fresh air you breathe with your perspective and knowledge; you somehow let all the little insecurities, contaminate your effortless beauty
I know you’d rather ignore than sit face to face, with the actions you committed that crushed others on the way. In these moments you run like a child, and can only cop when settles the fires. You try not to lie, but they slip from the tongue, never correcting the mistruths you have sprung. It’s such a shame to see, for I know that you sweep it under the rug as part of life’s casualties. You fight to be genuine with gallant force, to break it with white lies is that of a foolish mans course.
You’ve set yourself back on career and have made it very clear, that you feel you failed yourself on this specific frontier. You look into the abyss and there is nothing to find, so instead you cloud yourself with options, confusing the lucid mind. You’d rather not think so you turn your attention away, only setting you deeper into the hole you’ve made. Talent wasted is a sad mistruth, and I fear that this is slowly becoming you.
On my end I have to come recognize, that this relationship is no longer worth my fight. You see Steven, we have climbed this hill and then tumbled down, buried the hatched just to turn up sacred ground – we have done this dance and had some fun, but there something greater on this horizon. I am sorry, but you must go and do your best to never return, because for the first time in so long, old friend, I feel like I am standing in the sun.