I have allowed myself to forget. Indulging in the everyday conveniences that were soon to be stripped from my routine, I disassociated from myself. Running high on the vibration of ‘I don’t give a fuck’ does nothing to remedy the situation; but to surround oneself with the simple joys in life helps keep a strong foot hold on to the tangible fibers of the life led. Continue reading “The change of trauma.”
I start chemo in six days. The cursor patiently blinks as I stare blankly at the computer screen; six days is all I can manage to think about. Shall I start the reverse count down to the imminent toxicity of my blood? My life feels like a theoretical question; if you had 6 days before your life was put on hold what would you do? Continue reading “6 days until the inevitable pause”
I think it is important to acknowledge the things in our lives that are lacking. Having self-worth comes from appreciating oneself and understanding that there are both flaws and skills in every individual. Examining these flaws without judging them is part of the experience, we are meant to work through them and learn. In the seeds of this darkness there is light awaiting its moment to shine and dispel the fear that once resided. Continue reading “Learning to accept our flaws”
Energy is an interesting thing. It is not only present in every item in the universe, whether alive or not, but it also permeates throughout the atmosphere. We breathe energy into our lungs and we emit energy from our pores. While we eat the energy seeps into our mouths and when we think the energy spills from our mind. I use the word energy interchangeably with soul, because for me they are one in the same. We are energy and energy is everywhere. Continue reading “Creating Energy”
I often here people talk about walking the path or the journey of life and thought I understood what it meant. Yet, with my shift in focus I am starting to realize that everything I thought I understood needs to be reevaluated, because now everything is a little different.
Continue reading “Burning Man: Beach Edition”
What the most shocking thing that you have ever had to tell someone? We’ve all had the unpleasant reality of having to break some sort of bad news to someone in our lives. Sometimes we talk about minute little inconveniences that will make little impact on the person that the message is being delivered to, but sometimes the news is like throwing a brick through a storefront window; where stone turns the window panes into shattered pebbles of something that was once complete.
I feel like I am watching a movie that I am spacing out on. I can’t seem to focus on anything and hearing about the doctors talk about you is surreal. Like I am living someone else’s life. There is vacancy behind my eyes that overflows into a blank monotonous perception, where everything I experience feels like I am observing some third party action. Continue reading “The morphing and masking of emotion”
Sadness is a funny thing; it can be a moment that seamlessly lapses into the next with little mind given, or it can be like the howling rain with no space for escape. Some days I wake up and the clear skies could go on for days and my mind is free from the cancer entrapment. Some days I wake up and I could barely recognize the darkness with which I am surrounded. There is no direction to pin point the despairing feeling, just a general idea of where it is stemming from. If you have ever been out to sea at night and gazed forward, there is no distinction between the blackness of the water and the sky. They melt together in one sweeping endless night. On my bad days it’s like a mask of that same blackness forcibly adhered to my face. I kick, scream and bleed my nails bloody in failed attempts to pull it off, but yet the blackness remains.
This up and down is mentally exhausting. My rational self desperately wants reason to shine the light of logic on the numbers and facts. The emotional part of my being longs to feel empowered, where being emotional is beautiful and beneficial quality, as opposed to feeling defeated and useless.
Luckily I write. I sit with my emotions and allow them their space, and I write. When Logic intervenes is when homeostasis returns. It’s okay to feel everything – just as long as I don’t let it overwhelm me. Writing is part of my meditation: together they neither obliterate the feelings nor do they ignore their existence, instead it equips with a different perception to help deal with my emotions better.